Stress Tips

by G. Gaynor McTigue

Know the right time to bring up an issue.

Timing is everything, especially when it comes to broaching subjects that are not dear to another's heart, or asking someone to do something for you. Knowing the right moment can save a lot of unnecessary friction and more easily accomplish your goal. For example, don't clobber someone with your problems the minute they walk through the door. Don't ask for something when a person is clearly up to his neck. Don't try to talk to someone when they're on the telephone, or interrupt them when they're stressfully engaged. Learn to judge a person's mood and receptivity before you bring up a sensitive subject or make your request. It takes practice, but try putting yourself in the other's position and imagine the best time YOU would want to be approached. Then follow those instincts. Why make yourself crazy?

Develop mental toughness.

How mentally tough are you? How easily do you give in to peevishness, sulking, low morale, pessimism, and defeat? It isn't enough to be mentally tough only when your mood suits it. On the contrary, it's when you're weak-minded and vulnerable that you most need to rally strength and resilience. Not easy by any stretch. First, monitor yourself to see how readily you cave in to difficult circumstances. Then vow to address them in a different way -- as opportunities to respond to challenge, to build up your mental toughness. You'll soon be able to handle almost anything. Adversity? Bring it on. Why make yourself crazy?

Who cares what they say?

You can often measure the success of people by the shrillness of their detractors. Note that those who are steadfast and persevering do not cave in to criticism. On the contrary, they gain strength from it. If you're taking the heat for trying to live a simpler, saner life, when some would prefer you continue to accompany them on a daily dance of chaos, don't give in. This is a true test of your willingness to live for yourself. What others say, what others think should not be of consequence. Why make yourself crazy?

Don't dwell on your discomforts.

Yes, the shower may be too cold, the theater too warm, the guy sitting next to you reeks, the restaurant is noisy, your airplane seat is cramped... Rather than keep reminding yourself how unpleasant you feel, try enveloping yourself in an imaginary buffer. The irritant may still be there, you're vaguely aware of it, but it's not penetrating the mental barrier you've constructed. You're zoned out. Your thoughts are elsewhere, positive and optimistic. Work on this technique. You'll get so good at it you'll be able to slip into your unfazed mode at will...and tune out even the most persistent annoyances. Why make yourself crazy?

Don't let your backlog of projects get you down.

There are things you need to take care of that aren't getting done. And it's eating away at you...because it's not like you to let things go like that. But your overloaded schedule isn't yielding an inch right now. The thing NOT to do is torture yourself about it. You're not a shirker, you're not irresponsible, if you flat out can't get to it. So ease up on yourself. If you have every intention of completing these projects, you will. As unlikely as it seems now, the time will present itself. And true to your ethic, you'll come through. Why make yourself crazy?

Be careful in whom you confide

Sometimes it's less risky to divulge your personal problems to a stranger on an airplane than a friend or coworker. If you doubt this, look at all the kiss-and-tell books out there where someone publicly bashes for their own gain another person they're supposed to love. Today, even your most trusted confidants might someday turn on you and use your innermost secrets to their political or monetary advantage. It's an unfortunate failing of our culture, but one to take seriously. Sure, you'll still find people whose loyalty you can count on. But if you have any inkling of doubt about another's character or sincerity, no matter how chummy things are now, it's best to keep your personal issues close to the vest. Why make yourself crazy?

Don't be a gossip. (Or an eager listener of it.)

Running down others isn't the way to boost your own esteem. On the contrary, it can foster feelings of self- disgust, betrayal and guilt -- or the perverse wish that your revelations will prove true. Talking ill of others makes it harder to ever view those people in a fair light, or change or your opinion of them. And it may leave your listeners wary you'll spread stories about them, too. Gossip may seem a quick and easy way to vent, or provide juicy entertainment, but it comes at a steep price. Better to MYOB. Why make yourself crazy?

Do you wake up with fear?

Many people do. The minute they open their eyes they face the day with trepidation, out of all context with reality, perhaps influenced by an eerie dream. Don't let this undeserving emotion hijack your mood for the day. Replace gloomy thoughts immediately with optimistic ones, knowing your mind can entertain only one thought at a time. Notice, too, how the feeling of dread dissipates as you shake off sleep and start addressing your needs of the day. So get things going right away and you can erase those unwelcome apprehensions at the outset. Why make yourself crazy?

Don't stress over what to say.

We often reproach ourselves for not finding the right words at the right time. We deplore awkward pauses and fumbled utterances. We get frustrated that we're not as coherent, quick-witted, eloquent and incisive as people on TV or in the movies. Hey, you'd be pretty glib, too, if you had professional writers putting words in your mouth. But that isn't reality. Life is full of clumsy dialog. You can't articulate eloquently every moment of the day. So accept it. Get over it. And move on. Why make yourself crazy?

Don't deliver ultimatums.

They're usually far harsher than the behavior that prompted them...and delivered in a fit of emotion when you're little prepared to make good on them. And if you do, it often hurts you more than the other person -- actions you'll almost certainly regret. Conversely, if you back away from your ultimatum, you lose all worthwhile credibility. Your bluff has been called. So instead of threatening to walk out on your lover, quit your job, or cut off your children's inheritance...skip the tough talk, stay cool, think rationally, and inevitably you'll come up with a more prudent, less stressful solution. Why make yourself crazy?

Don't be a sucker for "I'm sorry."

Very likely, the two words in the English language most often spoken with insincerity are "I'm sorry." People toss the phrase about as if it's all they have to do to make amends and wipe the record clean. And they frequently express it with such shallow indifference...even an edge of annoyance! So don't get all worked up over whether or not someone apologizes. It's usually meaningless anyway. Instead, judge individuals on their attempts at retribution -- that is, their efforts to make up for what they did in some way. On the flip side, be aware of how often you, too, casually resort to an unfelt "I'm sorry." Taking sincere responsibility for our actions is one way we can relieve the tensions among ourselves. Why make yourself crazy?

Learn to live with daily "stresslets."

"Stresslets" are those momentary little delays, disruptions or setbacks that cause a pin prick of aggravation dozens, even hundreds of times a day.

Examples: a Web page taking an extra second to load, a jarring phone interruption, an untied shoelace, a misplaced pen, a dropped file folder. Stresslets are a product of our high-tech, fast-paced expectations...a growing intolerance to glitches of any kind. They can shorten your breath, heighten tension, promote irritability...and lumped together, add up to major stress.

You simply have to factor them in as a given in life, roll with them, and weigh their insignificance against the enormous gains in productivity and convenience you enjoy today. Don't get strung out over stresslets. Why make yourself crazy?

Ask for help.

Whenever you reach a frustrating impasse -- in your work, home projects, business transactions, travel, relationships, or any other area -- and you don't know where to turn...ask for help. From friends, associates, professionals, even strangers. If you're too proud to seek assistance, or fear it's a sign of weakness (which it's not), you're only compounding your stress and futility. Most people are more than happy to share their knowledge, wisdom and expertise. (Indeed, they welcome the opportunity to show it off.) Just don't abuse their generosity, or bother them with trivial things you can easily take care of yourself. Know the point where trying to go it alone crosses the line from persevering to pigheaded. Ask for help. Why make yourself crazy?

Get it right the first time.

So much of what is done today is done poorly. In a rush, haphazardly. Fraught with error, oversights, delays, sloppiness. All in the name of "I'm just so busy." This leaves you with feelings of uneasiness, that can build into bouts of anxiety, unworthiness, even depression. It invites the frequent disapproval of others. And often has you going back to amend, correct, do things over, ever apologizing for your performance, or lack of it. That's why it's so essential to do things right, right from the start. Accurately and assuredly. With no careless inefficiencies, no time-consuming re-dos, no recriminations, no squandering of nonproductive stress energy. Take the time. You'll not only do more, you'll enjoy it more. And earn the esteem of others and yourself. Why make yourself crazy?

Don't feed a foul mood.

You're angry, disgusted, fed up, deflated, or demoralized. That's when it's easiest to gang up on yourself, to paint every little thing that happens to you the color of your dark outlook. Perversely building a case for your impending downfall. Nonsense. You're merely prolonging the time it takes to tough it through a difficult state of mind. Kick the "woe is me" syndrome as quickly as possible. Rather than brood, get distracted by other activities and pursuits. Engage yourself in work, exercise or social interaction. Your mood will soon lift like a gloomy fog swept away in a stiff breeze. Why make yourself crazy?

Work before play.

Leisure is better enjoyed when it follows a period of good hard work. But putting off work to have your fun first is another story. Rather than relieving stress, it can be a source of it. Because now you made a conscious decision to fall behind. And the prospect of neglected work to make up can erode your fun. Don't let others lure you away from your appointed tasks, either. (Dereliction loves company.) Students are especially vulnerable to this. In the work/play cycle the effort should always come first, before the reward. Why make yourself crazy?

If you don't need to check luggage...don't.

Are you one of those notorious over-packers? Do you feel compelled to cover yourself for just about any contingency? Does most of what you bring along return home untouched? Maybe you don't mind hauling half your wardrobe on a 2-3 day business trip or weekend getaway. But with today's long baggage check-in lines, multilevel security checks, delays at pickup carousels, and the constant threat of lost luggage...it pays to take it on board. For once, let go the urge to over-pack and see if you can't make do with just what you need -- neatly tucked into a carry-on, supplemented by a purse or briefcase. Avail yourself of hotel laundry services if necessary. But once you've had a taste of the walk- on/walk-off ease of not checking luggage, you won't want to travel any other way. Why make yourself crazy?

Don't deny yourself occasional "sprawl" time.

Sprawl time is that unplanned, spontaneous time when you almost involuntarily disengage from an arduous task to flip through a magazine, lapse into a conversation, putter around aimlessly, or drift off into a reverie. Don't chide yourself on such occasions. Or feel guilty you've put time to no worthwhile purpose. Quite the contrary. Look at these interludes as circuit breakers, telling you to ease up and rest a bit or you'll burn yourself out, become irritable, frustrated, overstressed. Rather than resist, let your mind and body welcome these relaxing breaks from the unrelenting grind. Why make yourself crazy?

Become a fan.

Root for something. Or someone. A sports team, a star athlete, a celebrity idol. A person facing a daunting challenge. Or someone trying to accomplish a feat that's never been done. Maybe even (dare I say?) a politician. Whatever, whomever -- whether local, national or international -- being a fan is known to reduce stress. Yes, it's true. In spite of the fact you'll pull your hair out over bonehead plays, lackluster performance and heartbreaking defeats. Or perhaps because of it. Screaming at the TV or stomping your feet in the grandstand is certainly a way to release tension. So pick out your heroes and throw your support behind them. Follow their progress. Attend their performances. Deck yourself out in their gear. And see what mitigating effect it has on your stress. Why make yourself crazy?

Live proactively, not reactively.

The reason people under constant stress feel so unfulfilled, despite their ceaseless activity, is that they've lost control. They aren't calling the shots anymore. Reeling from crisis to crisis, at the mercy of circumstances, unable to catch up and regain the initiative. If this kind of rudderless existence is dogging you, you have to reassert control. That means: stop reacting and start doing things in a more proactive, planned and orderly way. If you doubt this is a better approach, consider that you'll experience fewer mishaps and mistakes, much less energy wasted on stress and anxiety, greater efficiency, more satisfaction, even a boost in productivity. So dig in your heels, take over the controls and get your life back on track. Why make yourself crazy?

Don't feel guilty when you can't always give.

You're besieged with requests to give money. To charities, schools, churches, community groups, political organizations, fundraising events... You're solicited by mail, email, telephone, fax, ads, neighbors, coworkers, even strangers. Each may be a worthy cause in itself, but collectively the relentless demands can drive you nuts...if not into debt. Sure, you should give. As generously as your means allow. But give selectively to those causes you feel most passionate about. And the ones you can't afford, don't let yourself, or anyone else, make you feel guilty about. You can't be responsible for all the ills of the world. You do what you can. So never fret over keeping those free return-address stickers or greeting cards, even if you didn't give. Why make yourself crazy?

Beat the heat.

When the weather turns hot, your level of stress rises right along with it. And the more you think about how uncomfortable you are, how dragged out you feel, how devilishly torrid it is...the more impatient, stifled and irritable you become. Which doesn't help the situation. When the temperature climbs, it's time to scale back your intensity relative to the heat so you can function effectively without boiling over or burning out. Also essential: drink plenty of cold water. Think cool thoughts. Stay out of the sun. And don't bring attention to your discomfort, either to yourself or others. It's a heat wave. Adapt to it. Ride it out. Why make yourself crazy?

Don't try to know everything

You can't know everything. So focus on what you need to know, what you're curious to know, and what will help make your life easier, happier and more productive. Don't feel pressure to learn things other people know but have little relevance to you. It's not a competition. There are probably lots of things you know that they don't, but do you hold it against them? Keep your quest for knowledge focused and selective. Why make yourself crazy?

Know when to go with a pro

It's very satisfying when you can complete a project yourself, without having to resort to professional help. And that's great. But there are some projects -- either because they're too complex, dangerous, extremely messy, or require several people -- you should simply stay away from. Know what they are. Before you take on a task that may be out of your league, talk to others who have undertaken a similar project and learn from their experiences. Or read up about it. It could save you untold time, trouble and misspent energy. Why make yourself crazy?

Look for that secret cashier

Somewhere in the store there's a little-used cash register, service desk or courtesy desk that will also ring up your purchases. You just have to find it. People naturally drift toward the busiest lines. Take a moment to seek out that alternative checkout. You might be surprisingly rewarded. Why make yourself crazy?

Accept that life can be awkward at times

No matter how carefully you plan things, or imagine they'll turn out, or believe they're supposed to be...some events will leave you confused, uneasy or out of kilter. And you can't explain why. Maybe it's your mood, the alignment of the planets, the weather, your physical condition...or a combination of things. In any case, accept these messy, awkward occasions as part of life. And have faith that things will soon fall back into sync. And you know they will. Why make yourself crazy?

Don't delay your happiness

People will fritter away their entire lives waiting to be happy. For them, happiness is always just around the corner -- sure to happen when they finish school, get a job, find a spouse, have kids, get the kids out of the house, claim their inheritance, retire... You'll never be happy that way. Experience happiness now, from within, by appreciating the gifts and accomplishments you're already blessed with, rather than waiting for some elusive external event or acquisition to take place. Why make yourself crazy?

Don't over-volunteer

Resist volunteering for more than you can handle, more than your free time allows. Volunteering is great, but heavy involvement can steal important time from your family and relationships. (And it shouldn't be used as an excuse to avoid more important obligations.) If the work becomes too demanding, simply say no. Nobody else is going to look out for you better than yourself. If we all "volunteered" to spend more time with the kids, visit our parents, make loving homes, and carve out special time for ourselves, there wouldn't be a need for so much volunteering in the first place. Why make yourself crazy?

Inundated with paper? Get rid of it!

The paperless society is a fairytale. There's more paper cluttering our lives than ever. Newspapers, flyers, faxes, photocopies, handouts, documents, receipts, printouts, magazines, brochures, letters, shopping bags, wrapping paper... It's piling up all over the place. And if you don't keep pace, it will devour you. Most of it is worthless to you anyway. So recycle it. And cut off the flow. Don't collect free literature you aren't going to read. Clean out a file every day. Beg off mailing lists. Make digital copies instead of hard copies of computer-generated documents and print out only when necessary. Spare yourself the aggravation of runaway paper clutter. You'll save a few trees, too. Why make yourself crazy?

Alternate mental and physical activities

If you work at a desk all day, don't sit in front of the TV all night. Do something active. If your job is physical, or involves being on your feet or running around, relax and exercise your mind (like reading a book) during the off hours. If your work involves both mental and physical aspects, try alternating the two throughout the day. What this does is add balance, variety and vitality to your life. It's more energizing, stress-reducing and healthier overall. It's easy to get stuck in a single monotonous mode -- like moving from chair to chair all day -- and suppress your other self. It's essential to exercise both your mind and body. Why make yourself crazy?

Throw something out every day

You've got too much stuff in your house. Office. Garage. Attic. Useless clutter that's weighing you down, getting in the way, obscuring the things you really need. Be realistic. If you're not going to use it, lose it. And you don't have to make a humongous project out of it. Every day, find one thing you don't need and toss it. Or give it away. Over time, the clutter will begin to vanish and space and order will magically appear in your home...and your life. Why make yourself crazy?

Have small, intimate get-togethers

Big parties are expensive, time-consuming and a heck of a lot of work. Even if you're lucky enough to talk to everyone, it may only amount to brief, cursory snippets of conversation. Big bashes can be fun, if you're not the one throwing it. Smaller parties are easier to arrange, less work, less expensive, and leave lots of time to enjoy your guests, who feel more special, too. Entertain fewer people...more often. Why make yourself crazy?

Do more things live

Are you living life through a pixilated gauze? Are your conversations with others conducted mostly by keyboard? Does your travel consist of looking at photographs in a magazine? Are your adventures played out vicariously on a game console? Are you more familiar with TV characters than your own neighbors? As ingenious as technology may be, it can't replace flesh and blood, fresh air, natural sights, sounds, smells, and physical activity. And you need that. More than you think. Constantly living one step removed from reality, you can easily lose touch with it. And fall victim to the stress, anxiety and isolation of physical detachment. You've got to get out more. Be with real people, see real things, experience live events. There's no substitute. Why make yourself crazy?

Be focused, but not fixated

Performing a task with steady concentration and pleasant absorption is an ideal working state. But that focus can quickly become obsessive when you hit an obstacle, get frustrated and can't pull yourself away from overcoming it -- even when you know you should. The longer you remain fixated, the harder it is to let go and the more frustrated you'll become. Especially if your persistence is causing you to foolishly neglect more pressing needs. Follow your instincts. Cut yourself loose. Put some space between you and the problem. And revisit it later on. Why make yourself crazy?

Don't wait for an opportunity. Create one.

The good jobs, mates, houses, and business ventures don't come knocking. You have to go out and get them. Waiting for the phone to ring, the letter to arrive, the suitor to pop into your life is nerve-wracking futility. And playing it reluctant or aloof doesn't cut it either. Someone else will squeeze you out in a heartbeat. Be proactive. Stake out what you want, devise a plan and go after it. Be bold and innovative. And have a Plan B in place, ready to launch, in case you reach a dead end. Don't wait for others to do for you what you can much more ardently do for yourself. Why make yourself crazy?

Limit your personal business at work.

Whether you're the boss or the bossed, spending too much job time on your own affairs can leave you tense and guilt-ridden. Not to mention behind in your work. No matter how discreetly you try to get it done, people notice. And some will resent it. Maybe even gripe about it to others. Sure, there's a certain amount of personal stuff everyone does -- has to do -- which is perfectly acceptable. But you know you've crossed the line when you become anxious, furtive, even defensive about it. Look, work is filled with enough stress already, without having to throw more anxiety into the mix. Most personal things can be taken care of in the off hours anyway. You've got a job to do. Why make yourself crazy?

Based on the book Why Make Yourself Crazy?: 300 Strategies for a Stress-Free Life available from Pick-Me-Up Books